Dear Friend,

 

Attachment is the foundation of lifelong emotional security, and it begins in two key stages of life—infancy and puberty. These two life stages are the moments when emotions run high, and we are most open to connection. We're searching for outside connection, attachment to other people that help us figure out what we like, what makes us feel good, and how we fit into the world. As a parent, you want your child to grow up feeling loved, protected, and secure, forming strong attachments that will guide them through life. This is your opportunity to meet your child's needs and it will shape their entire future, from their self-esteem to their relationships. This is how you end up choosing your child's partner. This is what you do if you want to make sure, with certainty, that they end up in a good marriage. The secret to their successful future is forming a secure attachment to you.  

 

But, let's take a step back, have you ever stopped to reflect on what made you feel safe and cared for as a child?

 

Take a moment now. Feel your feet on the floor, your back against the chair. Breathe deeply. Think back to a time when one of your parents, grandparents, or caregivers comforted you. What was that moment? What did they do that made you feel seen, protected, and loved?

 

For me, it was my grandma. I grew up in a scorching desert in Arizona, where summer days reached over 110°F. I lived in a mobile home park outside of Yuma. The neighborhood was surrounded by dry desert as far as you could see. Flat sand stretched outward with cactus plants and tumbleweeds sprinkled intermittently. I remember being in first grade, riding the school bus for the first time. Every morning, my grandma walked me to the bus stop at the edge of the park. And every afternoon, she was there, waiting for me to walk back to our trailer. I knew that she would be there to meet me without a doubt. When we got home, she would always ask what I wanted to eat, and often, it would be chicken soup. We had a song:

"Mama yo quiero, caldito de pollo.

 Mama yo quiero, comido rica, caldito de pollo.

 Ma ma ma ma ma ma yo quiero... caldito de pollo."

 

She’d sing it, I’d sing it, and when my mom was home, she’d join in.

 

That was love. That was secure attachment. I could count on her to be there for me when I got home from school every day. Secure attachment is a deep and trusting emotional bond between a child and their caregiver, formed through consistent, responsive, and loving interactions. When a baby feels that their needs—both physical and emotional—are met reliably, they develop a sense of safety and confidence in their relationships. Now, as a parent, I make chicken soup for my son, singing the same song. He's on a kick of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, but belts his own tune along with me.

 

So, how does secure attachment lead to choosing your child's partner? When a child grows up with a deep sense of security, they don’t seek relationships out of fear, desperation, or a need to fill an emotional void. Instead, they approach relationships from a place of confidence, knowing what it means to be loved and respected. They choose a partner who treats them well because they've never accepted anything less. They communicate openly, navigate conflict with resilience, and build relationships based on trust—because they learned these skills from you. The best way to ensure your child ends up in a healthy, loving marriage is to give them the foundation of one through your own relationship with them. Your consistency, your presence, and your love are what set them up for lifelong success in love.